Now you're up to date, and scared too!

OK everyone, it's time for total disclosure, are you ready??? I don't think we've been following our own vow of poverty very well. It feels like we're barely treading water lately and we still do a lot of the things we started the year off doing, like eating in (a few weak moments here and there), not buying frivolous things (again, a few weak moments here and there) and making coffee at home (too many weak moments than I care to disclose to you at this point). I think the kicker is that I'm not bringing any money in anymore, I was getting about $300-$400/month depending on the month, but now it's $0. I was turned down for unemployment, apparently owning a daycare for six years doesn't count as employment. So, now we're trying to live off the land so to speak (that's code for Greg working over time like there will be no tomorrow). I feel bad, but at this point, I start school in a month, right smack dab in the middle of the holiday season for retail so I can't get a job because I won't be able to work evening or weekends as that's when I'll be in school!!! So I'm sending up prayers to help us make the ends meet for a few more months until I can get a job and any prayers of good tidings you can say would be appreciated. But there is some good news in here.....so far we HAVE been able to get by, we can pay all our bills and we have a roof over our heads. Our freezers and cabinets are full of food and we have each other (awww). The kids actually understand that we're not going to give in and get them the silly things they want and they don't even really ask anymore. I can go into Target (my former nemesis) and get only the items I need and walk out of there without feeling like I'd just been in the enemy's camp. So, thinks are going better than a lot of people out there in the world.

Now I will thrill you with a tale so frightening that you may want to avert your eyes in fear at some parts.
You've heard by now that we're poor, but this will enlighten you as to our super poor sorryness. Upstairs in our bathroom we have a toilet, it seems like any other toilet; it's white and unassuming. You would never think that a toilet could cause the horrible pain that this evil toilet has....One day I was using the bathroom like any normal person would in the morning and I was pondering the day that lay open and bright ahead of me. My routine would be the norm, 6am wake up, wake the kids up, make lunches, make breakfast, take a shower, fight with the kids over what they would wear (it's always my fault that the clothes they want to wear are never clean, even though I've told them a million times I won't wash any clothes that are not brought down to the laundry room), fight with the kids over which shoes they can wear to school (I swear to the heavens that I'm gonna throw out all the damn flip flops, they cause me so much mental anguish), fight with the kids over how they're gonna wear their hair (YES, you MUST brush your hair dammit!), 7:45am get in the car, drop Emma off by 8:00, drive Kayleigh to school (across town mind you), drive Mia to school (M,W,F) or dance (T), go to my bible study group (W) while Mia's in school, 11:45 pick Mia up, 2:50 pick Emma up, 3:15 pick Kayleigh up, Kumon, dance, youth group, swimming, etc....It never ends!!! As I was pondering my day I felt a very hurtful, sharp pinch on my left butt cheek that make me yelp in fear and pain. WTF?! Did a crab crawl up from the toilet? I tried to stand up but my skin was being pulled down in a very painful manner. HUH????!!! I sat again and the pinching got worse. It was at this point, my friends, that the foul language, most unbecoming to a lady, started (good think I ain't no lady!). I tried to see what the problem was, but my butt is (unfortunately) very large and I couldn't see anything. I finally took a deep breath and jumped up while yelling "OOOOWWW, Muther F-er!" I looked very angry at the toilet seat and there it was, cracked right down the right side (which becomes the left when you sit on it). Lodged very firmly in it's tiny little monster teeth was a piece of my butt cheek! Do you know how much that smarts? I do. I was very irritable at this point, my butt hurt and I was super P.O.'d but I persevered. When I put my chonies (unnerwears) on, the new skinless portion of my cheek was, of course, right under the elastic. Really? So that's how it was gonna go huh? OK, I got past it and endured the rest of the day (in pain). That night before bed (after I'd already given the kids their unnecessary medication to make them sleep like tiny angles) I'm KIDDING people, I would never do that. At least I wouldn't write about it and leave a trail of evidence, HELLO, I'm married to a cop, I'm not THAT dumb! I was all tired from being the perfect mom (hahahahahaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!) and I was on my way to bed. Oops, first I had to make a pit stop in the little girls room.....NO, I didn't remember that the evil toilet seat was there waiting for it's evening meal and YES I did leave yet ANOTHER chunk of myself with it. Man oh man was I P.O'd, I don't think Greg has ever heard the words Muther F-er used in quite so many fancy ways. It was MF-er on toast, in a basket, and apparently it's a MF-ing bastard as well.
Let's fast forward a couple of weeks now, shall we friends? The toilet seat is still on the prowell for delicious Bina booty, but now we (Greg has experienced the joy too) are very creative about how we sit to use the demon toilet. I lean waaaay to the right or sit as far forward as I can possibly get away with. I also do the hover sometimes. The sad part is, we don't have any spare cash for a toilet seat, so it's either put it on the card or just do without, I'm actually considering duct tape, but I'm kinda grossed out by it's non cleanable nature. I think I may have found a plastic seat for $15 that I'm gonna check out today. I just thought it might brighten your day to imagine me walking around with no less than four (4) chunks missing from my buttocks. Next time you use your toilet, say a little think you to the seat for not eating your cheeks.
The End

Ok, that's it for now, ooooh, I do want to brag a little, I had to take a HIV/Aids course and pass the test before I could go to school and I got a 90! I would have gotten a 100 if I hadn't been locked in the room with my three fighting kids and Emma's friend who was spending the night. Yes, they let the kids come in with me since I didn't have a babysitter. So 90 is not bad for having to break up fights, look at the magical things the kids were drawing on the white board, clean up spilled water, beg Emma to take Mia to the bathroom, and answer their constant questions about why they couldn't get candy from the vending machine.


Until next time
xoxo