Tonight I'm going to bring you into the secret world of a fat person's mind. Now there are many people out there who get all upset with the term "fat", I'm not putting myself and my kind down, I'm merely stating a fact. Maybe I've become desensitized by it from so many years of strangers and not so strangers calling me names, but I'm not offended by the word fat. Anywho, this is a little insight into what we think about on a daily basis.......
I wake up and start thinking about what I'm going to eat today. It's not obsessive (yet), it's just a quick "what's for breakfast?" As I make my way downstairs I start to think in earnest what I'm going to eat (here's where it starts to get obsessive). I have my coffee and decide if it's going to be cereal, a weight loss shake or a bagel. Now starts the struggle between what I want and what I know is better. I start bargaining with my points in my head, calculating what I can have for the rest of the day. It starts to get hard because I can feel myself starting to slide back into old habits so then I get all Srgt. Strict with myself and remind me what my goal is.
Lunch is easy peasy because it's almost always a black bean burger, I'm SO addicted to those things I can eat them all day every day. Once lunch is packed it's done so I don't obsess about it as much plus my job is crazy busy so there's no time to think about it. BUT, I sit in the break room which is filled with people who bring in food from the amazing restaurants that surround my clinic. That's hard sometimes because it smells so good I always want to eat the good stuff. Luckily my desire to not spend money on lunch is way stronger than my desire to go out so I go about my business. Once lunch is over it's the biggest struggle of the day...the commute home.
Here's where it gets 12 step program real. I'm exhausted and HUNGRY, it's usually 6pm and I still have an hour commute home (give or take 20 min). So now the struggle is on, I try to have an apple or large cup of water to curb my appetite, but that's not always helpful. So now I'm seriously obesssssssing over food. I want to stop SO badly at some fast food place and sneak a fatty treat. I think about it the whole time. Some days I even get off the freeway with the intent to get something, then I'll talk myself down and get home without incident. But I still have to get the kids, who have already eaten so now it would be so easy to get something fast. Do I do it? I'm driving home with the kids and the whole time they're telling me their stories of the day I'm thinking, "should I just stop?" the temptation is so strong but I struggle through. Last Friday I succumbed to the temptation but one day out of three weeks isn't so bad. Before I started this I was stopping almost every night and feeling like crap about myself so I would shove food in my face since I didn't care. When I sit at home I'm always thinking about food, trying to be all casual about it but it's always on my mind. When we go out somewhere it's always a struggle not to stop and get a meal, I just try think about what I have at home and how quick it would be to make something. For example, I didn't get home until 8am tonight and I wanted to get some food so badly. I was so close and just resisted. Then I was going to just have cereal then I decided I deserved more so I made some steamed veggies and pasta. I know it was late and you shouldn't eat late but I would rather eat something healthy late than a fatty meal. I felt so great about myself :) Weekends are so hard, I think about food and struggle with food for 18 hours a day for two straight days. It's exhausting!
Why am I telling you all this? Because I think it's important for people to really understand what a struggle losing weight is for a fat person. It's hard for everyone, I know, but I think for a fat peson it's easier to convince yourself it's never going to work because you always go back to bad habits and it seems like such an endless, unreachable goal. It feels like I'm an alcoholic who's trying to stay sober. I know I have to change my ways and it's not just going to be with food, it has to be psychological too, otherwise it won't work. I also wanted you to read this so you can turn to the person in your life who you know has struggled with weight or even yourself and give yourself a serious pat on your back. No matter what you weight loss goal or history is you're fighting your worst enemy (yourself) to get to your goal. You don't need to feel shame for struggling with food, the more you embrace it the easier it is to give yourself a break for being an addict. I'm not saying it's OK for me to be this way so I don't have to even try, I'm just saying it's OK for me to struggle, I'm human and I'm doing my best. My name is Sabrina and I'm a food addict. I struggle every day to keep myself on the healthy path. Some days I slip up but I don't let that get me down. When I slip I don't spiral, I don't allow myself to feel shame, I take a deep breath and tell myself that I'm going to do better next time. Last Friday I only had a burger, I didn't do the whole meal, now that's a BIG deal for me. I still made my points work and I held my head high. Even though Weight Watchers makes changing easier, it's still a struggle every. single. day.
This time I really mean it.
xoxo
No comments:
Post a Comment