I'm ssssshhhhhaaaaking it!

OK, so I have two different stories to tell you but I'm only going to tell you the funny one now and tomorrow I'll tell you the other one that might not be as funny, but it's still good. OK, initiate flash back sequence to the early blog post when I told you about the weird shaking machine I saw in the mall that people are using to shake their fat off. Do you remember that? SOoooo, I started tanning (yeah, yeah, save your judgement for someone who cares) and the place that I go to, Holla out to my girls at Palm Beach Tanning!, has a machine called the Body Angel or some other nonsense like that. Anywho this magical machine is a Red Light therapy machine that helps to erase fine lines, repair sun damage, yes I see the irony, and they claimed that it helps people lose weight too. Well, what the hells, I thought to myself, it's included in my package I may as well try it. So I told my home girl Kansas (that's what her name tag said) that I wanted to try the machine. She walked me to the room, said "OK, so all the directions are on the poster on the wall" then left. I thought that was a little poor on the customer service department, but what do I know. So, I've never been known to have the patience to read directions, I de robed, hopped into the machine and started pressing buttons. The machines these days have a tiny little person in them that walks you through the running of it so I just let the tiny woman tell me what to do. All of a sudden a burst of warmth and red light came on and wrapped me in cocoon of warmth what I can only imagine an angel's embrace feels like. It was amazing, penetrating to my very being. But I'm not content with that, I need to know what other features it has, how do people lose weight? So I'm pushing more buttons and the tiny lady tells me I have entered the cellulite  busting program? What? Did she just say this machine will bust my cellulite?! I pushed the OK button and stood there waiting to be flogged or whatever it was going to do. Imagine my surprise when the floor started to gently move. So I'm standing in the midst of an angel hug and the floor starts vibrating, rapidly building up to a speed that I'm pretty sure gave me early onset shaken baby syndrome. But I'm standing there, as if on a surf board because the tiny woman keeps telling me not to lock my knees. I'm surfing while being hugged by an angel all the while being completely nude!! HELP, I've got a Tsunami building up in my fat as the tectonic shaking is making my multitude of lady lumps, in the back and in the front, my humps, my humps... were rolling like a new phase of the moon had begun. So the whole thing has taken me by surprise and I'm being shaken so vigorously I would defy any piece of cellulite to dare stay on my buttocks! I was scared it would not stop, 10 minutes seems like a lifetime when you're dizzy, but I couldn't stop the machine, the buttons were too high and I was told not to lock my knees so I had to surf and hold my breastacles lest they fall off from the sheer violence of the shaking they were getting! I also had to try to focus on the angel hug that was getting hotter and hotter and I'm pretty sure I saw Satan's face coming at me from the wall of red light, but my brain was so shaken I couldn't see straight. Thankfully the shaking became more gentle and finally stopped. I jumped from the machine and stood there and burst out laughing because all I could think of was I had just experienced the very shaking machine I mocked in my blog! Karma hits me again. I failed to mention that I was at the "beach" with my mom who couldn't figure out how to make the machine shake. I met her when I got out and told her I though my whole butt was going to fall off. We laughed then went to get some dessert, cuz that's how we rolz SON!
 Fast forward to me finishing my wonderful coffee sitting in a booth laughing at how surprised I was at my experience with a machine named after an angel. I went to stand up and POW my back went out so bad I could barely walk to the car. That damn machine BUSTED a cap in my back. I was bent over like an old lady begging my mom to help me get in her stupid SUV that had to be so high, then I begged her to drive around aimlessly so I could use the seat heater some more. It took me days to recover from that experience! But I have to say I have gone back and read the poster which told me I was supposed to start out on a lower level to build up to the highest which was the cellulite treatment. So now I go regularly and although I don't notice too much difference in the weight, I do love the red light portion, it's so wonderful, I learned that the heat can be offset by the fan if you can reach it from a surfers squat. So that's my story for today, another story will happen tomorrow-ish.

xoxo