You are not going to believe this, but I truly believe that my bra ran away! I cannot find it anywhere, I've looked on every doorknob and under every pile of clothing on my bedroom floor (yeah, I'm a hot mess). So I've made my usual rounds today sans bra, but it must end now. I'm going to do one more sweep and if it's gone I'm gonna have to go to Freddy's and get a bra in a box for $10. That's $10 I could be using to by meat for my children. I have this wonderful image in my brain of my poor bra limping down the street trying to get away. It's dragging it's one wireless cup while it uses it's good wire to move forward. the stretched out sides flapping in it's haste to get as far away from me as possible. I'm going to follow the trail of elastic bits until I find that traitor! How dare it leave my tatas without the false pretense of support! Good thing I have a never ending supply of baggy sweatshirts, those are what get me through my days.
xoxo
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
iPad
Apple unveiled the new iPad yesterday and I laughed my behind off. What sort of foolish man came up with the name iPad? I know it sounds like iPod, but it makes me think of feminine hygiene products. Why not iSlate? Or iTablet (we could call it iTab)? So thinking of feminine hygiene products made me want to fill you all in on my latest triumph. For the past year I've been buying super low grade feminine hygiene products that have been on sale so I've rarely paid more than $3/item. Of course when you buy cheap, you get what you pay for so I've been suffering with sub par products that are barely more useful than if I had just wadded up toilet paper and used that. SSSSOOOOOO, I was perusing our bank account the other day and noticed that while I've been sticking to my money saving ways and buying cheap products, GREG has been helping himself to coffee and fast food & snacks all willy nilly like!!!!! I lost my mind, called that poor sucker up and gave him an ear full. I told him that I will NO LONGER subject myself and Emma to using pads the thickness of Barbie Mattresses that were the only option in the 70's and tampons that are ridiculously non absorbent and painful to boot! If he thinks he's too good to stick to the budget then I'm too good to buy no name hygiene products! I marched over to Walgreens (well, I drove actually) and I bought one box of Tampax tampons and a bag of Always pads (iPad!). I almost choked when the bill came to $17 (so I added a small bag of Red Vines to the pile) but I proudly and defiantly paid the obscene amount of money for my gear. You must also keep in mind that I had not yet showered (after all, it was only 7:45pm) and I looked like a hot mess with wild eyes, but who's paying attention to that? I went home toting my victorious bag of loot and swung it over my head while letting out a war cry of "CHECK THIS OUT SUCKAH!" Greg tried to explain away his cheating ways with a little "so I got coffee a couple times!" Poor fool, had he learned nothing from living with me over the years? NEVER mess with me while I'm in PMS mode. I narrowed my eyes, bared my teeth and spat out words so terrible that they shant be repeated here. When I have PMS I love nothing more than reducing some poor, unsuspecting fool to tears with my words. Whomever happens to be near me will do, and lucky for Greg, he was it. He took it like a man while I gave him my best meana Bina speech.
So later, after I regained my composure I apologized and told him that I was truly pissed about him spending money willy nilly, but I didn't warrant my mean rant. He forgave me and moved on. This morning I treated myself and Mia to coffee, heehehhe.
So now you all know that iPad and iTampon too! Have a great day.
xoxoxo
So later, after I regained my composure I apologized and told him that I was truly pissed about him spending money willy nilly, but I didn't warrant my mean rant. He forgave me and moved on. This morning I treated myself and Mia to coffee, heehehhe.
So now you all know that iPad and iTampon too! Have a great day.
xoxoxo
Sunday, January 24, 2010
The battle between gravity and the tatas
Hello everyone, this is going to be short because I have an eager Emma breathing down my neck to use the computer. SO..... I was sitting on my bed after taking a shower this morning and there were many things running through my mind. I'm going to share what I feel is the most important thought of my day.
As I sat putting lotion on after my shower, I looked over at my doorknob and saw my one last wearable bra hanging from it. YES, I'm that kind of person who actually hangs her bra from the doorknob when I take it off. I know I should be living in a trailer if I'm going to be doing such high class things, but what the heck, it works for me. Anywho; I looked at my one remaining bra and sighed a big sigh of resignation. The dingy champagne color of the bra (yes, it's been washed recently!) was giving way to the more vibrant white of the elastic bands that were sprouting through the fabric. This bra is over two years old and has somewhere along the line lost one of its underwires. I looked at it and I swear it heard it weeping gently at the thought of having to stretch it's arms around my ample chest and clasp it's "fingers" together in an almost futile attempt to fight the battle between gravity and my bazoombas. I stood up and tried to console my bra as it's elastic literally quivered at the thought of what it would have to endure today. I put the bra on and as I did so I quietly told it that when I got a job a portion of my first paycheck would be used to buy another bra so this one could retire. I don't know if my words of kindness did any help, but it allowed me to clasp the three out of four hooks that still work. I put on my shirt and looked in the mirror, what a sight I saw. I swear I heard my bra groaning with the effort of boosting my left tata up to an acceptable height. My right tata was hanging down to my waist since it had no under wire support. I told myself that nobody would notice, then I threw on a sweatshirt (my new uniform) to help hide the flaw. All day I heard little pings as the elastic bands gave way one by one. My trusty old bra is still trying to do its job, but I plan on keeping my promise to buy a new steel belted super support bra when I get a job. It makes me laugh that this time last year I was making wish lists with stupid things like iced tea pitchers and outdoor furniture on it. What a fool I was. Now my wish list consists of things like a new bra, a plumber to fix our tub & a new oven! What a difference a year makes. Pleas send all your most supportive wishes to my trusty old bra, when it comes time to retire it, I'll send you all an invitation to its retirement party. I'll let you go now.
xoxo
Saggy Tata
P.S. We start going to the gym tomorrow so I'm sure there will be fun stories to ensue. I'm going to be doing an aqua fit class, nothing beats a threadbare old bra, except a threadbare old bathing suit! I also get to use my old unfinished appointments with Sven, so there's so much to look forward to!
As I sat putting lotion on after my shower, I looked over at my doorknob and saw my one last wearable bra hanging from it. YES, I'm that kind of person who actually hangs her bra from the doorknob when I take it off. I know I should be living in a trailer if I'm going to be doing such high class things, but what the heck, it works for me. Anywho; I looked at my one remaining bra and sighed a big sigh of resignation. The dingy champagne color of the bra (yes, it's been washed recently!) was giving way to the more vibrant white of the elastic bands that were sprouting through the fabric. This bra is over two years old and has somewhere along the line lost one of its underwires. I looked at it and I swear it heard it weeping gently at the thought of having to stretch it's arms around my ample chest and clasp it's "fingers" together in an almost futile attempt to fight the battle between gravity and my bazoombas. I stood up and tried to console my bra as it's elastic literally quivered at the thought of what it would have to endure today. I put the bra on and as I did so I quietly told it that when I got a job a portion of my first paycheck would be used to buy another bra so this one could retire. I don't know if my words of kindness did any help, but it allowed me to clasp the three out of four hooks that still work. I put on my shirt and looked in the mirror, what a sight I saw. I swear I heard my bra groaning with the effort of boosting my left tata up to an acceptable height. My right tata was hanging down to my waist since it had no under wire support. I told myself that nobody would notice, then I threw on a sweatshirt (my new uniform) to help hide the flaw. All day I heard little pings as the elastic bands gave way one by one. My trusty old bra is still trying to do its job, but I plan on keeping my promise to buy a new steel belted super support bra when I get a job. It makes me laugh that this time last year I was making wish lists with stupid things like iced tea pitchers and outdoor furniture on it. What a fool I was. Now my wish list consists of things like a new bra, a plumber to fix our tub & a new oven! What a difference a year makes. Pleas send all your most supportive wishes to my trusty old bra, when it comes time to retire it, I'll send you all an invitation to its retirement party. I'll let you go now.
xoxo
Saggy Tata
P.S. We start going to the gym tomorrow so I'm sure there will be fun stories to ensue. I'm going to be doing an aqua fit class, nothing beats a threadbare old bra, except a threadbare old bathing suit! I also get to use my old unfinished appointments with Sven, so there's so much to look forward to!
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
My year so far....
Happy New Year everyone! I'd like to start this post off with a bit of advice that will be very good to remember. Always save your work!!! I just wrote a very wordy & humorous post & lost it at the very end!!!! I'm going to do the best I can to recreate my previous work of genius, but I'm a little irked & trying to find the funny again. So here it goes, the first funny entry of the year...
Once upon a time there was a very calm & level headed woman named Sabrina (come on, it's in fairy tale form!) who was known for her peaceful nature. It was two days after Christmas and Sabrina & her family were going to see Avatar after church. My mom was going to the theater early to wait in line then we were going to meet here there when we got out. We were feeling lots of peace & love in our hearts as we drove to the theater to see the totally awesome movie. Greg took the girls inside to meet up w/my mom & I waited in line to get my coffee (give me a break, we were running late & I need my fix!). As I was headed toward the theater Greg came out looking irked & told me that the guy sitting in front of my mom & Emma might be a jerk. He had yelled at another guy in the theater when his phone rang & he gave Greg a dirty look when he saw that he was toting three kids with him. Even though I was filled with peace & love, I was also feeling a little bit of tension because NOBODY glares at MY man. I went into the theater & sized the guy up and just waited for him to say something. In my mom's infinite wisdom, she has taken to buying the big tub-o-corn & I bring paper bags & we fill them w/corn for the kids so we don't have to pass the tub back & forth. As my mom was filling a bag for Mia, the mean guy whipped his head around & yelled "Can I get some QUIET here?!" Let me begin by telling that it was literally one hour before the movie was due to begin, there was NOThING on the screen yet and NOBODY, I mean NOBODY talk to MY mom like that. I swear I know how the incredible hulk feels because I moved forward in my seat & screamed "IT'S AN HOUR BEFORE THE MOVIE STARTS SIR!!!!!!!!!!!" My reacting was probably way over the top, but I was waiting for him & I was PISSED! Then he screamed "I DON'T GIVE A F**K!" I lost my mind and screamed "YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH!!" at this point the rest of the theater was backing me up by telling the guy to shut up. I was shaking I was so angry then I said "you're going to see an ANIMATED film, you have to expect that people are going to bring their kids!!!" (so it's only mostly animated, I needed to make my point). I waited for him to say something else because I was gonna jump on him (I literally wanted to punch his face) but his companions smartly told him to calm down. I sat there shaking & fuming, then Greg walked into the theater. Yeah, he had missed it!!! I told him what happened & I thought Greg was gonna clock the guy, but he didn't say a work to him, he just sat there staring daggers into the back of his head waiting for another comment & shaking. My mom then got up & told the theater workers what the guy had said & they were keeping an eye on him. After a bit the guy & his wife got up & left the theater, I hoped for good. Emma started crying because she thought he was gonna punch me or my mom so I went over to her & told her that just because he behaved like that doesn't make him a bad person. He could have been having a bad day and made the wrong choice to be mean. I told her to just try to feel bad for him because even though he was coming to the movies for enjoyment, he couldn't even relax a little bit & how sad that must be for him. So she was calmed down a little bit when the man walked back in. He then proved my words to Emma correct when he apologized to my mom & said he was ashamed of the way he behaved. He reeked of booze, so he was probably drunk originally & needed to refresh his buzz to calm down. At least he realized he was wrong & restored Emma's faith in humanity & made me look like I knew what I was talking about.
OK, you're probably sitting there going, where's the funny? Here it is...Nobody else in the theater knew Greg had warned me about this guy's behavior, including my mom. So when I freaked out at him I KNOW I must have looked like a crazy woman. I was spitting while I screamed (not yelled SCREAMED). I was out of control and I'm sure I looked like it! My mom was looking at me like I had gone crazy. The whole theater went silent as I let loose until the guy dropped the F bomb. I felt like the insane person who wanders the subway screaming at everyone & I was totally red faced. I'm not one for confrontation, I don't like it, but on the rare occasion when I get worked up, I LOSE it. I'm glad Greg wasn't there because he would have died. Emma thinks it's funny because she said I just flipped & thought I was gonna get up & charge the man. If I had been at a club, I would have been the one to get kicked out. This is what happens when a soccer mom gets pushed to the edge. I also get this way at Chuck E. Cheese when other kids push my babies, Greg won't go with me anymore because it embarrasses him. I'm not afraid to tell some other kid off if he's bullying my child! I need to get a punching bag to get my aggression out, I just get blind with fury when someone is threatening my family! What? What's that you're thinking? You thought WHAT about my momma? I KNOW you're not thinking smack about MY momma!!>>>> Just kidding, anyway, that's the big story of the moment, not my proudest moment, but at least my family knows that I'm willing to get my butt kicked for them!
Oh hey, I'm taking my state exam on monday the 11th, so send those positive thoughts my way!! I'll let you know what happens.
xoxo
Once upon a time there was a very calm & level headed woman named Sabrina (come on, it's in fairy tale form!) who was known for her peaceful nature. It was two days after Christmas and Sabrina & her family were going to see Avatar after church. My mom was going to the theater early to wait in line then we were going to meet here there when we got out. We were feeling lots of peace & love in our hearts as we drove to the theater to see the totally awesome movie. Greg took the girls inside to meet up w/my mom & I waited in line to get my coffee (give me a break, we were running late & I need my fix!). As I was headed toward the theater Greg came out looking irked & told me that the guy sitting in front of my mom & Emma might be a jerk. He had yelled at another guy in the theater when his phone rang & he gave Greg a dirty look when he saw that he was toting three kids with him. Even though I was filled with peace & love, I was also feeling a little bit of tension because NOBODY glares at MY man. I went into the theater & sized the guy up and just waited for him to say something. In my mom's infinite wisdom, she has taken to buying the big tub-o-corn & I bring paper bags & we fill them w/corn for the kids so we don't have to pass the tub back & forth. As my mom was filling a bag for Mia, the mean guy whipped his head around & yelled "Can I get some QUIET here?!" Let me begin by telling that it was literally one hour before the movie was due to begin, there was NOThING on the screen yet and NOBODY, I mean NOBODY talk to MY mom like that. I swear I know how the incredible hulk feels because I moved forward in my seat & screamed "IT'S AN HOUR BEFORE THE MOVIE STARTS SIR!!!!!!!!!!!" My reacting was probably way over the top, but I was waiting for him & I was PISSED! Then he screamed "I DON'T GIVE A F**K!" I lost my mind and screamed "YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH!!" at this point the rest of the theater was backing me up by telling the guy to shut up. I was shaking I was so angry then I said "you're going to see an ANIMATED film, you have to expect that people are going to bring their kids!!!" (so it's only mostly animated, I needed to make my point). I waited for him to say something else because I was gonna jump on him (I literally wanted to punch his face) but his companions smartly told him to calm down. I sat there shaking & fuming, then Greg walked into the theater. Yeah, he had missed it!!! I told him what happened & I thought Greg was gonna clock the guy, but he didn't say a work to him, he just sat there staring daggers into the back of his head waiting for another comment & shaking. My mom then got up & told the theater workers what the guy had said & they were keeping an eye on him. After a bit the guy & his wife got up & left the theater, I hoped for good. Emma started crying because she thought he was gonna punch me or my mom so I went over to her & told her that just because he behaved like that doesn't make him a bad person. He could have been having a bad day and made the wrong choice to be mean. I told her to just try to feel bad for him because even though he was coming to the movies for enjoyment, he couldn't even relax a little bit & how sad that must be for him. So she was calmed down a little bit when the man walked back in. He then proved my words to Emma correct when he apologized to my mom & said he was ashamed of the way he behaved. He reeked of booze, so he was probably drunk originally & needed to refresh his buzz to calm down. At least he realized he was wrong & restored Emma's faith in humanity & made me look like I knew what I was talking about.
OK, you're probably sitting there going, where's the funny? Here it is...Nobody else in the theater knew Greg had warned me about this guy's behavior, including my mom. So when I freaked out at him I KNOW I must have looked like a crazy woman. I was spitting while I screamed (not yelled SCREAMED). I was out of control and I'm sure I looked like it! My mom was looking at me like I had gone crazy. The whole theater went silent as I let loose until the guy dropped the F bomb. I felt like the insane person who wanders the subway screaming at everyone & I was totally red faced. I'm not one for confrontation, I don't like it, but on the rare occasion when I get worked up, I LOSE it. I'm glad Greg wasn't there because he would have died. Emma thinks it's funny because she said I just flipped & thought I was gonna get up & charge the man. If I had been at a club, I would have been the one to get kicked out. This is what happens when a soccer mom gets pushed to the edge. I also get this way at Chuck E. Cheese when other kids push my babies, Greg won't go with me anymore because it embarrasses him. I'm not afraid to tell some other kid off if he's bullying my child! I need to get a punching bag to get my aggression out, I just get blind with fury when someone is threatening my family! What? What's that you're thinking? You thought WHAT about my momma? I KNOW you're not thinking smack about MY momma!!>>>> Just kidding, anyway, that's the big story of the moment, not my proudest moment, but at least my family knows that I'm willing to get my butt kicked for them!
Oh hey, I'm taking my state exam on monday the 11th, so send those positive thoughts my way!! I'll let you know what happens.
xoxo
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